2am thoughts: I’m scared of the future

2am on a ship to Cebu can’t stay asleep i have to see the view the darkness outside and the crisp night air are all that it takes to make me feel brand new

On our way to Cebu last week, I couldn’t sleep on the boat/ship since a lot of people were being noisy–and the fact that they never turn off the lights was literally the biggest factor why I couldn’t stay in dreamland! With that, I hopped off of my bunk bed and went to the ship railings and enjoyed the cold breeze.

Wind blowing my face, hair all over the place, I was outside looking out in the dark open space.

It was one of those music video moments where you couldn’t help but feel so in the moment. I contemplated about life, about all the possibilities, and everything I couldn’t explain. In the end I was both scared and uncertain.

I don’t know what’s more deceiving: the beautiful lights from the island i’m leaving, or the vast paradise above the skyline that’s gleaming. 

To pass the time, I quickly retrieved my Jotter Pad from my luggage, and pour down my thoughts until I felt sleepy or even, remotely tired.

I am really scared of what the future may bring. I’m scared of letting go of things that I am so used to. I’m terrified to start anew– but at the same time I love the idea of it. I’m scared to get lost, to feel alone, and to step out of my comfort zone. I know I have to do exactly these things that  i’m scared of to get to the place or state that I dream/desire. I know I have to sacrifice a lot of things to reach my dreams. But i’m scared. Utterly scared.

Right now I just hope that time will help me accept the fact that things will really change, especially after I’ll graduate and when I start looking for a job. I have to train myself to be gutsy enough, to be able to adapt quickly, and to have the courage to face all the challenges that are waiting for me.

I am so in love with the idea of moving away to find myself. To go out on my own to reach my dreams. For years I didn’t mind the details of my “runaway plan”, of what I would sacrifice or of what would be waiting for me. I was only  focused on the idea of it–the fantasy of escaping. But now that it’s nearing, my knees are starting to wobble and my thoughts slowly swirling of negativity.

I want to scream in frustration.

I don’t want to think of the hazy future, but I can’t seem to escape it. I need to fight it, and live the present as wholeheartedly as I can. I know that I have to concentrate on the now. I just have to remind myself of a book that I had read years ago: “Life is a big, screwed-up joke with its ups and downs. The best way to deal with it is to live in the now, pursue all the pleasure and deal with none of the grief.”

That book was The Spectacular Now by Tim Tharp. I have to stop thinking always about the future, and instead live everyday–make every moment spectacular– because in the end, what we hold on to are the memories of our journey. And I want to have a spectacular one.

I just hope–really hope– that the uncertainty of the future won’t distract me from enjoying every second of the present.

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