I honestly don’t know how to start this.
The moment I wrote that line above, I paused and let the doubts engulf me again — feel them surround me and hear their every word in volume at max. But I’m still writing. I’m still pushing through despite the voices. And here’s the receipt.
I know that if I just keep on typing out words — deliver the thoughts from my mind to this blank page — they would still not go away. They never would. But I would manage to tune them down a bit. So I will continue.
It’s been more than a year since I posted something here. I was twenty when I left writing. I am twenty-two now.
This coming back to writing is not due to a celebration of “I’m finally a completely different person after a year-long hiatus.” No. It’s not that special. And I’m not a completely different person now just because I had a break. I’m still me. I’m still that girl who wrote about having anxieties for the future, getting her first hangover at Apo Island, and ranting about fresh grad frustrations and disappointments. I’m still no better than that 20-year-old me who quit writing because she was just so frustrated with life in general.
So why am I even “back to writing”?
I’m honestly not sure. Is it because I missed it? Definitely. Is it because I couldn’t live without it? Definitely not. The year-long hiatus is a pretty good example to back my point.
So just because I missed it, why am I choosing to start again just now? Why didn’t I come back sooner? The easy answer for that is: I’m not yet ready. Trust me, I’ve told myself that line a hundred times ever since I left. The worst part is, I believed it. I succumbed to the resistance.
It took me a year to realize what the fork I was doing. I’ve avoided writing as much as I can because I wasn’t ready. I didn’t try to write a draft blog post because I knew I wouldn’t be able to finish it (ganun. Advance ako mag-isip!). And most importantly I was scared to being committed to a writing piece, whether it may be a blog post, an article, a novel, a story, etc. I was scared to commit my time and effort to it because what if I couldn’t finish it. Well, hate to break it to myself, I didn’t finish anything…because I didn’t start.
However, 2018 wasn’t all sad and mopey. In fact, it was a year for healing and rebuilding that I so badly needed from 2017. If you’ve been here quite a while, you’d find that my 2017 posts were mostly all about frustrations and anxieties. I’ve taken down a bunch of those, but from the ones that are still up, it is still quite obvious how I was in rough patch that whole year.
So I stopped writing and began healing in 2018.
It was quite a journey — a wild one, to be exact. I’ve tried numerous self-help advices and books, and although all were great, I wasn’t still in the right mindset, healthset, heartset, and soulset. But atleast I was doing something.
2018 wasn’t that much different from 2017. Both had me feeling like I was being chased. Thankfully in 2018, I was beginning to see a light from the seemingly endless tunnel. I’ve achieved a lot of things this year. But I’ve also gone through numerous breakdowns, and the yearly emotional turmoil. Lol. But that’s true.
2018 was a year that I was starting to get my shit together. I always have this belief that my life has four stages that are in a cycle. Like in High School and College — four years each. The first year of the cycle is always the hardest, most frustrating part. The second year is starting to get a hold on of the situation. The third year is getting into alignment of what I want to do. And the fourth is the cherry on top. My High School and College lives followed that cycle, I noticed.
I have come to a realization that 2017 was that first year for me. That was why I was so unbelievably lost. This year, I was getting a hold of myself and of my situation. In 2019, *I hope* I’m gonna steer myself to the right path.
And that’s why I’m here.
That’s why I’m writing back again.
To start anew. To continue this journey of mine towards alignment.
There was a point in 2018 where I became very lost again. I didn’t know what to do with my life. I was frustrated every day and had multiple breakdowns almost every night. And then one day, in the midst of a hectic situation and in a crowded state of mind, something came to me and I realized — I finally knew, what I’ve always wanted to do.
Just like that, I realized I needed to create — anything, may it be a blog, a story, a novel, an event, any form of art/craft.
And that’s it. That’s why I’m here.
So hello again.
I’ll be here to stay.